One step forward, two steps back!

Yesterday Levi answered the question, "Will Saturday be the day?" He will not be coming home this weekend. The question was answered initially when he failed to pass the car seat evaluation. He needs to get a little stronger in order to hold his head up enough to breathe while riding in the seat. The question was also answered when the doctor came in yesterday morning and stated that after reviewing Levi's chart she had a number of tests she wanted to run on him (this poor guy has been poked and prodded SOOO much).

I will admit that yesterday was a day full of tears on my part. I am ready to have Levi home and this news was discouraging. It was hard to hear that the earliest they will run another car seat evaluation is on Monday. It was difficult to hear all of the thoughts the doctor had regarding what could be going on in Levi's body to cause the elevated bilirubin. My heart hurt to see/hear Levi having to give a fairly significant amount of blood for more tests. I just felt discouraged and beat up! I also felt very tired. I am traveling 5 times a day (every 3 hours) to the hospital to feed Levi... it is becoming increasingly draining to balance being a mom both at home and at the hospital. I definitely struggled with feelings of despair yesterday!

In the midst of these discouraging days, I have been reminded of a vision a friend received when praying for us during our time in Ohio: Then He gave me the following vision: There is small pig pen. Inside of it is a little pig. This pig is angry, snorting, shaking his head. He’s running around his pen with reckless abandon snorting and squealing. Your family (all four of you) are outside the gate watching the pig. The gate is strong and is locked. It will keep the pig inside. But the four of you are fearful, anxious that this pig will get out and come after you. The pig is playing on your fears…he runs toward you to terrify you then he turns around and, when you can’t see his face, he smiles and laughs. You become so fixated on the pig that you forget about the strength of the gate that holds him inside and the fact he is little. You forget about the lock that will not let him out.

So today I prayed against “the pig” and asked God to cast all your burdens, fears and anxieties on Him. I prayed against the evils one’s desires to prey on your fears and throw anxiousness into your path. 

I will admit that during our time in Ohio this vision did not resonate with me (other thoughts that God impressed upon her heart did). I did not have the fear or anxiety that the pig seem to represent during our time in Ohio. This vision; however, has certainly been on my mind in the past 2 weeks. I do feel like the enemy has been playing with my fears and anxiety over whether Levi is well and whether he will come home soon. It has been hard to remember that God is in control.

Yesterday did not pass with out moments of joy. Levi was moved (for a third time) to a different room in the NICU. He happened to be placed near a window that points to a public hallway in the hospital. Yesterday we were able to open the blinds on that window to let Naomi see her brother for the first time since he was born! It was good to allow her to see that Levi is real and not a figment of our imagination.

We thank you for your prayers and ask that you keep praying. We cannot wait for the day when we can share pictures of Levi's homecoming!